The Parent Survival Guide
Zondervan Publishing House
Reviews
and Endorsements:
"Goes beyond theory and exhortation
to practical, real-life examples. Its biblically
based and psychologically sound solutions reflect
an understanding of developmental research that
has been refined in the lives of real moms and
dads and kids. A welcome addition to every parent's
library!"
Gary J. Oliver, Ph.D.
Executive Director, The Center for Marriage &
Family Studies
Author of Raising Sons and Loving It
"Dr. Cartmell uses a wealth
of experience in providing practical approaches
to many of the specific struggles of parenting.
This is a valuable resource."
Dr. John Townsend
Coauthor of Boundaries
If you've ever read a
parenting book and thought, This
sounds great in theory, but how do I make it work?
this book will be a breath of fresh air. Cartmell
takes 41 common parenting problems and offers
step-by-step solutions you can use right away.
Each chapter starts with a scenario of a typical
child with a typical problem, such as sharing
or disrespect. Cartmell discusses what's going
on inside the child, what parents can do to help,
and finishes the chapter with a scenario where
the advice is put into action. Whether he's dealing
with a 5-year-old's tantrums or a 10-year-old's
lies, Cartmell takes the time to help you understand
where your child's misbehavior is coming from
and gives straightforward, biblically based advice
that can change the way you parent.
Christian Parenting Today
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Content
and Excerpts:
Contents:
- Introduction
- Glossary
- Common Home Problems:
- Accepting Consequences
- Bedtime
- Bedwetting
- Breaking Toys
- Cleaning Up Toys
- Dealing With Divorce
- Death
- Expressing Angry
Feelings -- view excerpt
- Fears
- Giving Up
- Grocery Store
- Homework
- Insecure About
Physical Appearance
- Interrupting
- Lying
- Managing Electronics
(T.V., video games, computers)
- Mealtimes
- Morning Routine
- Moving
- Nightmares
- Not Following Directions
- Separating From
Parents
- Sharing -- view
excerpt
- Sibling Problems
- Stealing
- Talking About Difficult
Subjects (sex, drugs, smoking)
- Talking Disrespectfully
- Temper Tantrums
- Time-Out Troubles
- Common Peer Problems:
30. Being Left Out
31. Bullying Others
32. Butting In
33. Getting Teased
34. Handling Peer Pressure
35. Learning to Make Friends
36. Poor Sportsmanship
37. Solving Problems
- Common Classroom Problems:
38. Disrupting Class
39. Not Paying Attention
40. Poor Grades
41. School Anxiety
- Appendix A: Behavior
Charts and Homework Log
- Appendix B: Your Child's
Development
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Excerpts
from Chapter 8: Expressing Angry Feelings
EXPRESSING
ANGRY FEELINGS: THE CASE OF THE HUMAN VOLCANO:
Jason was an eight-year-old boy who had
trouble expressing angry feelings. When angered,
he would sometimes say nothing and stomp off to
his room. Other times, he would say mean things
to his siblings or parents and felt that he was
being treated unfairly. It
was hard to predict what would make Jason angry
and Mr. and Mrs. Smith said that Jason had been
"difficult" and "moody" since he was a young child.
Jason's parents usually responded to this behavior
by sending Jason to his room and he had received
a spanking on more than one occasion as well.
Still, the behavior continued and Jason's parents
were worried about what was going to happen when
he became a teenager.
WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN?
A difficult temperament
can magnify the built-in challenges of childhood.
A child who is temperamentally irritable, aggressive,
sensitive, or slow to adapt to new situations
can be at risk for developing inappropriate ways
of expressing his angry feelings.
What does he see?
How do you handle conflict and express angry feelings?
Children will mirror the habits that are modeled
for them by their parents. If you often shout,
engage in "cold wars," or strike out with barbed
comments when you are hurt or angry, you should
be more surprised if your child doesn't do the
same than if he does.
What does your child
think? Children who display aggressive behavior
often view their world in a distorted way. They
misinterpret neutral events (e.g., someone bumping
into them) as being hostile towards them and react
with aggressive words or actions. In addition
to making sure that aggressive behavior is not
rewarded, it is important to help your child develop
a more accurate way of viewing these situations.
WHAT CAN I DO?
GET CLOSER. If
talking about school and chores results in your
child getting defensive and edgy, then talk about
something pleasant and spend time doing activities
that your child finds enjoyable. Have some experiences
together that are just fun, with no strings attached.
In spite of his tantrums, let your child know
that you love him by regularly telling him as
well as by talking together about things that
are important to him, such as his activities,
interests, and goals. Spending regular, quality
time with your child will communicate your love,
improve your ability to talk together about difficult
things, and help your relationship stay strong
even when the going gets tough.
DO IT RIGHT YOURSELF.
Make sure that you are setting a healthy example
in the way that you respond to frustrating situations.
Ralph Waldo Emerson penned a phrase that rings
true all too often: "What you do speaks so loudly
that I cannot hear what you say." It is sad when
our example is so strikingly different than our
instruction that the end result is confusion and
disillusionment for our children. Everything that
you tell them about anger control applies to you
too and they know it. When you are angry, remember
that your children are watching. And learning.
A CHANGE IN PERSPECTIVE
may be needed. If your child is getting angry
because he is misinterpreting the actions of other
people, then take some time to help him examine
how he views things. Help your child learn to
think about the situation from the other person's
point of view. Ask him if he can think of other
ways of viewing the situation or other reasons
the person may have responded as they did. Give
him some ideas if he has trouble with this. Helpful
short sentences that your child can tell himself
to keep things in better perspective include,
"Maybe he's just having a bad day," "She probably
didn't mean it that way," or "I'm kind of frustrated,
but God wants me to handle this the right way."
TEACH YOUR CHILD TO
CONTROL HIS ANGER. Make a list together of
the things that make him angry and explore his
ideas about the best way to handle these situations.
Keep this discussion very simple for younger children.
Examine what happens when he blows up or gets
disrespectful and contrast that with the benefits
of showing more self-control.
Using an age-appropriate
translation, read and talk about how God wants
us to learn to handle our anger, using the following
verses as your starting point:
- "Scripture says, 'When
you are angry, do not sin.' Do not let the sun
go down while you are still angry. Don't give
the devil a chance." Ephesians 4:26-27 (NIRV)
- "My dear brothers
and sisters, pay attention to what I say. Everyone
should be quick to listen. But they should be
slow to speak. They should be slow to get angry.
Human anger doesn't product the kind of life
God wants." James 1:19-20 (NIRV)
- "Foolish people let
their anger run wild. But wise people keep themselves
under control." Proverbs 29:11 (NIRV)
As you discuss these verses,
ask why God thinks that controlling our anger
is so important. What are the benefits of being
kind and slow to anger? What are the negative
results of uncontrolled anger? Relate that handling
frustration is difficult for everyone at times,
but that God can help us do it.
Then, using either the
Detour Method or Problem-solving steps (depending
on your child's age), come up with a plan together
for handling frustrating situations and expressing
angry feelings. Your plan can include:
- asking God to help you stay calm
- taking two deep breaths
- ignoring the behavior
- counting to five
- walking away
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- saying his feelings with his words
- respectfully asking the person to stop
- respectfully asking the person to stop
a second time
- talking to a parent about the situation,
after he has tried two of the above
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For example, if Jason
is angry about his brother always wanting to go
first when playing a game, he could say, "Bobby,
when you always have to go first when we play
anything, I feel kind of mad, and I wish that
we could just take turns, so that would be fair
to everybody." If Bobby still insisted on going
first, Jason could respectfully repeat the sentence
a second time. If Bobby responded inappropriately
again, then Jason could decide to if he wanted
to play anyway, respectfully excuse himself from
the game, or go and get some help from his parents.
Either way, he has responded respectfully to his
brother in a frustrating situation.
Make sure that the plan
is simple enough for your child to both memorize
and perform. Practice the plan together, using
situations that typically make your child angry
as examples. The situations may be about home,
school, friends, or anything else that tends to
anger or frustrate him. If needed, model the steps
for your child so that he can see how it looks
when they are done right. Once your child has
learned the plan, review problem situations regularly,
helping him think about how he could have used
his plan instead of blowing up. Give him lots
of positive feedback and encouragement-you are
helping your child to learn a very important,
and sometimes difficult skill.
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Excerpt
from Chapter 23: Sharing
SHARING
THE CASE OF POSSESSIVE
PEGGY: "It's mine!" shouted seven-year-old
Peggy with a vengeance, as she wrenched her well-worn
Barbie doll from the little hands of her five-year-old
sister. Peggy's sister had made the unfortunate
mistake of picking up the Barbie after Peggy had
laid it down and switched her attention to some
of her other dolls. Mrs.
Hill had been noticing that Peggy's sharing skills
had been sorely lacking for some time and had
been hoping that somehow they would kick into
gear. Unfortunately, the only thing getting kicked
around was the ill-fated victim that made the
mistake of touching Peggy's toys. Mrs. Hill knew
that she needed to help Peggy learn to share but
wasn't sure how to go about getting it done.
WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN?
Everybody wants something
to call their own. All of us enjoy having
possessions that belong to us. We also like to
have some say as to if and when we let others
use those possessions. In a child's world where
parents and teachers dictate much of what they
do everyday and establish the rules by which they
must live (e.g., when to go to bed, what cereal
choices they have), the domain of their own "stuff"
is one place where a child can demonstrate some
power and control. Learning to give up control
for the benefit of another or to make friends
is a lesson that comes with time and the realization
that sometimes giving up control works out better
than holding on to it.
Naturally short-sighted
thinking and the self-centered perspective of
childhood account for many sharing problems.
To a person whose span of life experience is still
in single digits, a lot is potentially at stake
when someone else grabs one of your toys. "What
will happen if I share my toy?" "Will I get it
back?" "Will the other person wreck it?" "What
if I want to use it again (in 30 seconds) and
the other person is still using it?" Rather than
deal with all of those difficult questions, it
can be easier just to hold on to it in the first
place.
WHAT CAN I DO?
TALK ABOUT SHARING
together with your children. As a part of one
of your regular family times, talk together with
your children about the importance of sharing-for
everyone! Have everyone identify times when they
have had to share and how it made the person that
you shared with feel. Then, make a list of times
when someone shared with you and say how that
made you feel.
Using your child's Bible,
read passages such as Romans 12:9-13, Luke 6:31,
and Luke 3:11 and discuss together how God wants
us to treat others and what good things happen
when we follow God's commands. Repeating these
discussions often will help to remind your children
of the importance (and benefits) of sharing in
your family.
SHARE OUT LOUD. Make
sure that you consistently model sharing and then
think out loud by saying, "Well I guess I'm done
with _________ now, so sure, you can use it!"
or "Sure you can play with me, which color would
you like to use?" Then, quietly ask your child,
"Hey, did daddy share with you just now? How did
it make you feel? Was it a friendly thing to do?
See, that's how you do it!"
Thinking out loud is like
giving your child a window into your mind to see
the thinking and reasoning that underlie positive
friendship behavior. The more often your child
hears you think out loud in a positive way and
gets to see how that thinking results in friendly
behavior and a positive outcome, the more likely
she will be to want to try it herself.
MAKE A SHARING PLAN.
Using the Detour Method, give your child a simple
plan for sharing. For example, I have found the
following plan to be helpful for my own children:
When someone asks to use something your child
is using, she can say one of the following, in
a friendly way:
- "I'm using it right
now, but you can use it later."
- "Sure you can use it."
(then find something else to use)
- "Why don't we play
with it together?"
Explain these responses
to your child and practice them together, modeling
exactly how they would sound and look and having
your child practice them. Practice problem "sharing"
situations together, using your child's toys to
make the rehearsals applicable to real-life. Make
your rehearsals fun and brief and give your child
lots of encouraging positive feedback. As you
continue to practice these three responses, you
will see your child's ability to use them naturally
in real-life increase.
Explain these responses
to your child and practice them together, modeling
exactly how they would sound and look and having
your child practice them. Practice problem "sharing"
situations together, using your child's toys to
make the rehearsals applicable to real-life. Make
your rehearsals fun and brief and give your child
lots of encouraging positive feedback. As you
continue to practice these three responses, you
will see your child's ability to use them naturally
in real-life increase.
REQUIRE SHARING FREQUENTLY,
RESPECT ALWAYS. While there may be some items
that your child does not need to share, the majority
of sharing problems involve situations where sharing
would be the appropriate response. In these instances,
you need to help your child make the mental adjustments
necessary to share in an appropriate way. Help
your child think through the situation appropriately
so that she can choose the best sharing response
for the situation (e.g, "What do you think would
be the best thing to do now?"). If you have rehearsed
a sharing plan, now is the time to prompt your
child to use it (e.g., "Peggy, how would you use
your plan right now?").
If needed, you can simply
require her to share the toy right then (e.g.,
"You need to let Megan have a turn now") or set
up an appropriate sharing interval (e.g., "You
can have one more turn, and then it will be Megan's
turn."). Sometimes, using a timer can simplify
the situation, making sharing easier. For example,
if your children are playing a computer game,
you can set the timer for 20 minutes and then
it is the other person's turn for 20 minutes.
Whatever the situation
may be, you must always require your child to
respond to the other person respectfully. Whether
your child is handing a toy over to the other
person, suggesting that they play with it together,
or informing the other person that she is still
using the toy right now, your child needs to learn
to handle these situations respectfully. Teaching
your child to respond to others respectfully in
sharing situations not only helps build positive
self-control and communication skills, but emphasizes
the truth that people are more important than
material possessions.
Exerpt taken from The
Parent Survival Guide, by Todd Cartmell. Used
by permission of Zondervan Publishing House, copyright
2001. All rights to this material are reserved
and may not be used without written permission
from Zondervan Publishing House.
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