Dr. Cartmell will add new questions and helpful answers on a regular basis.

NOTE: Dr. Cartmell's advice is not intended to replace professional evaluation and treatment. If you have significant concerns about your child's behavior, please consult with a qualified professional.

Question: What are some ideas for quality family time?

Answer: Few things communicate the value you place on your children like consistent quality time together. A formula I have found helpful for weekly family time consists of two parts. First, do something fun together. Whether playing a game, going bowling, or anything else your family enjoys, spend some time simply enjoying each other. Second, spend time in meaningful discussion. In our family, we often read from the Bible, or read a short story (with follow-up questions) designed to help kids think about real-life issues from a Christian perspective. We talk about how to handle frustration, express angry feelings, and show our love for each other. You can problem-solve issues related to sibling arguing, or have practical discussion about how you can all treat each other respectfully. It is also a time for anyone to bring up issues important to them, such as a problem at school or with a friend. You can discuss issues such as bravery, honest, hard work, greed, pride, staying safe, and many others. Wrap up with a short prayer time and you have the makings for a great family time. If done on a regular basis, having fun together and talking about meaningful topics make for a bonding time you won’t soon forget.

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Question: My son wants to be on the computer or playing video games all the time. Should I let him?

Answer: Just as many children would eat nothing but donuts and ice cream all day if allowed, some children would quickly forsake all other forms of human interaction and become mentally and physically glued to the computer if given the chance. Here are some ideas for keeping it balanced: 1) Talk as a family about the advantages and dangers of computer/video games, 2) set and enforce clear limits on the type of electronic games allowed and the time spent on them, 3) encourage your kids to be involved in other healthy activities (e.g., sports, church, clubs) and, 4) spend lots of time doing fun things together as a family. The more your child is involved in enjoyable non-electronic activities, the less time is available for the kind that have to be plugged in.

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Question: Getting my preschooler dressed in the morning is a constant battle. Help!

Answer: Young children naturally want to do more and more things on their own. This is part of their God-given desire to become more independent and self-reliant. The challenge is that they have to balance this desire to be increasingly independent with the reality that they can't always do everything they would like to. So, with regard to dressing in the morning, let them do as much of their own dressing as they can. Give your child a "fixed choice" (e.g., "Would you like to wear this or this…?") and let her choose. Set up your morning so that fun activities, such as quiet coloring or morning television, can be done only after dressing and other necessary tasks (e.g., eating, hygiene) are completed. Sing a song or tell a story together and give your child lots of immediate positive feedback for her positive behavior, with a big hug and comments such as, "You're doing a great job getting dressed so quickly!" or " Hey, you picked a great shirt. Nice job! Now, let's see how quickly we can get it on!" Respond to negative behavior by giving your child a clear choice to get listening or to choose the negative consequence that will follow (I call this a Fork-in-the-Road). Use Time-Out or other logical consequences as needed.

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Q: What should I do about my 10-year-old child's lying?

Answer: There are many reasons why children choose to be dishonest. The reasons include observing various degrees of dishonesty at home, the influence of peers, wanting to avoid getting into trouble, and short-sighted thinking. However, the good news is that all of us have lied before (even you!) and most of us have not turned out to be pathological liars! It is important to keep in mind that through all of this, your child is gaining one invaluable thing: experience. And experience can be a great teacher—if it teaches the right thing! In his choice to lie, your child chose a negative solution to his perceived problem and violated the basic relational principle of trust. Your response should be designed to help your child learn that obeying God, being honest, and valuing relationships is always the best approach.

First of all, keep your cool. Your own emotional control will help your child learn that you are a safe person to talk to when he has made a mistake.

Second, use the most logical negative consequence you can think of to help your child realize in no uncertain terms that lying did not pay off. This will include taking responsibility and apologizing for the lie, making restitution if something has been broken or damaged, and a possible loss of privilege since privileges are based on trust and following the family rules (which include honesty). Make sure the consequences appropriately fit the severity of the situation.

Third, not too long after the incident, talk together with your child about the importance and benefits of honesty. Have your child think of reasons why God tells us that honesty is the best choice and why lying always makes things worse. Then, plan together for the future. Take a look at the situation that caused your child to lie and help him identify other ways that he could have handled it. Part of the reason he chose to lie is that he was not able to come up with a better alternative. Devise a simple "think, say, and do" plan for being honest the next time the temptation to lie knocks at the door. Run through the plan together a few times in a couple practice situations. For instance, "OK Ryan, let's say that you had watched television instead of doing your homework, like mom asked you to. Then, mom gets home and asks you if you have done your homework. Show me what you would think, say, and do."

Watch carefully to catch him being honest and immediately let him know how proud you are when you see it.

Make sure that he catches you being honest.

See my chapter in The Parent Survival Guide for more ideas.

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Question: My son's teacher thinks my son has ADHD. What should I do?

Answer: Everything that wiggles is not ADHD (Attention Deficit-Hyperactivity Disorder)! ADHD is a neurological condition that makes it more difficult for people who have it to concentrate and organize themselves, particularly when a task is boring or tedious. If your son has difficulty staying on-task, sitting still, or sustaining his attention at school, he may have an ADHD condition. However, these behaviors can also be caused by other conditions, such as learning problems, depression, anxiety, or being intellectually gifted. This is why your son needs to have an evaluation by a mental health professional (usually a psychiatrist or psychologist) or by a physician who is familiar with ADHD.

The evaluation should include a physical examination, parent and child interviews, behavioral checklists completed by parents and teacher, and other testing as indicated. The results should be clearly explained to you and will help you discover whether or not your son has ADHD. Then, you can begin to develop a game plan to help your son improve his school behavior.

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Question: My 6-year-old daughter is very shy. How can I help?

Answer: While your daughter may never be as outgoing as Oprah, she may just need a little practice, encouragement, and confidence to interact more effectively with other children. You can help by picking a simple social skill, such as starting a conversation, and practicing it with your daughter. Teach her a set of simple steps, such as deciding what she is going to say (e.g., "Hi, how are you doing?") and saying it in a friendly way. Practice these steps together and then stage some easy "dress rehearsals," such as when familiar friends or relatives come to visit. Have your daughter practice her steps in these familiar situations and be ready with lots of positive encouragement. You can practice several social skills this way, including saying goodbye, joining an activity, suggesting an idea, and giving a complement.

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Question: How can I help my four-year-old son who is afraid of the dark?

Answer: Children usually become afraid of the dark between the ages of three and five. Most outgrow it, so hang in there. For starters, get a nightlight. Reassure your son by letting him know that "lots of kids worry at night sometimes, but then they learn that everything will be okay." If he needs to, let him look in the closets to see that there are no monsters. Teach him a few things that he can tell himself while laying in bed, such as, "Mom and dad will keep me safe" or "I can have a good sleep and a fun day tomorrow" and encourage him to use his imagination to think of something fun while going to sleep. There were many nights that I reminded my two boys that "God is the biggest" (taken from our favorite "Veggie-Tales" video at the time) when they were feeling a little nervous. If your child becomes extremely anxious, don't hesitate to consult with a child psychologist.

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Question: What is the best way to discuss guidelines with my teenager?

Answer: Teenagers like to have control over their lives, so give them some! Within reasonable limits, of course. The best way to make this work is to treat the issue (e.g., curfew, grades, dress) as objectively as possible. Get things off to a good start by genuinely listening to your teen's views and why he/she holds them. This is a wonderful chance to learn about your teen and how he/she is thinking through real-life issues. Only after you have carefully listened to your teen, go ahead and share your views on the topic and give reasons for them. This is your chance to show your teen how to think and reason in a way that incorporates God's truth into real life. Make sure not to cram your views down your teen's throat-they're not likely to be well-digested that way! Instead, share them intelligently and respectfully. This will be easier to do this if you have actually spent some time thinking about the issue from both points of view, and have your thoughts organized ahead of time.

Next, make a list together of all possible solutions and ideas you and your teen can think of to address the issue. Evaluate them together and see which ideas you can agree upon (or agree upon the most). Knowing ahead of time which issues are "non-negotiable" will be a big help, and be prepared to explain why they are non-negotiables. It is also important to ask yourself what kind of decisions your teen is making on the really big issues, such as school, friends, drugs, sex, and his/her relationship with God. If your teen is making wise and responsible choices in these areas, then it is very appropriate to allow more freedom on the smaller issues. Finally, remind your teen that one sign of maturity that you are watching for (that will lead to increased trust and privileges) is for your teen to be able to accept limitations in a respectful and appropriate way.

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Question: What can I do about the music my 14-year-old son wants to listen to?

Answer: With musical styles and lyrical contents ranging from witty and creative to vulgar and demeaning, your son needs help making positive entertainment choices that reflect his tastes and honor God. He will need your guidance, as the musical trends at any given time are not necessarily positive or healthy and pressure to listen to inappropriate music can be strong.

Read Colossians 3:17 together (perhaps during a weekly family time) and talk about the reasons for obeying and honoring God in all that you do. With the intent of helping him to think through this issue from a Christian perspective, listen to your son's views about music and talk together about how to distinguish appropriate from inappropriate music. Share your thoughts about music and most importantly, the reasons for your views. Give him examples of how you try to obey God with your music and entertainment choices. It may help to listen to his music together and talk about the lyrics and the lifestyles promoted the artists.

During your discussion, gently but firmly let your son clearly know what types of music or lyrical content are acceptable and what types are off-limits. Keep in mind that there may be some non-Christian music groups that are reasonable for your child to listen to, even if the musical style is not your favorite. Help him find a range of acceptable groups that play music he enjoys while allowing him to honor God through his musical choices. Remember, it will only be a few more years until your son's musical choices will pretty much be in his own domain. The key to this issue is to use it as an opportunity to help your budding teen learn to think through real-life issues from a Christian perspective. Entertainment choices are an excellent topic for thinking about why we should obey God in all that we do. Your son's job will be to respectfully accept the reasonable limits you place on his musical repertoire and find acceptable musical artists to listen to. Your job is to enforce healthy limits and to help your son learn why it always pays off to obey God.

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Question: My child argues about everything. What can I do?

Answer: When children argue, they are trying to get something they want the wrong way. Their hope is that the arguing will actually work out positively for them. You must teach them that voicing their thoughts and feelings respectfully is the only way to make any headway with you. When your child starts to argue, give him a clear choice between talking in a calm, respectful way or having the conversation stop immediately. If he continues to argue, simply let him know that the conversation will have to stop and you can talk about it later. If he persists, give him the choice between stopping or going right to Time-Out. If the arguing continues, then administer the Time-Out immediately. When your child handles a situation without arguing (e.g., accepts your decision on a matter, accepts his consequences), make sure to let him know that he has done a great job by choosing to handle the situation respectfully. If you are consistent, respectful talking will pay off and arguing will get him nowhere. Every time.

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