Here are some short, easy-to-read tips that are good reminders for all of us. Use this list as a personal checklist to see how you are doing in each of these areas. Each time you go through this list, you should find something that you can work on. See my books, The Parent Survival Guide and The Parent Lifesaver, for more details and explanation.

RELATIONSHIP BUILDING

• Tell your children that you love them.
• If something is important to your child, make it important to you.
• Show interest in the things that interest your child.
• Teach your children how to think through everyday issues from a Christian perspective.
• Address misbehavior in a firm but respectful manner.
• Be willing to apologize to your children.
• Include your children in your activities whenever possible.
• Have a regular family time, including fun activities and meaningful discussion.
• Spend one-on-one times with your child.
• Pray together regularly.

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COMMUNICATION

When your child talks to you:

• Temporarily stop what you are doing
• Make eye contact
• Listen first, speak second
• Repeat what your child says, using your own words
• Make every effort to really understand your child's point of view

When you talk to your child:

• Look at your child
• Keep it simple
• Be honest, yet age-appropriate
• Communicate with respect - always
• Be encouraging

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HELPFUL PARENT THOUGHTS

When you are in the middle of a difficult parenting situation, the thoughts you think can make the difference between an ineffective parental response and an effective one. Taking three or four of these thoughts and memorizing them will help you keep your thoughts focused and on-track when you need them to be. The more accurate your thinking is, the more calm and effective you will be. Give it a try!

• "Calm down", "Relax."
• "This is normal behavior for a child this age."
• "I want to make this a good learning experience for ____________."
• "I need to stay calm and in control if I want to be effective."
• "Remember, ____________ is learning from how I act."
• "With God's help, I can handle this the right way!"
• "Lighten up, don't take things so seriously."
• "I should calm down before I make any decisions."
• "I need to be consistent if _____________ is going to learn the right lesson."
• "If I don't know how to handle this, I can get some help."

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SETTING A HEALTHY EXAMPLE

Your example will have a powerful influence on the type of person your children will become. Don't make the costly mistake of underestimating the power of your influence on your children. Give your children the gift of a healthy example. Helpful reminders:

• "What my children see in me will influence them more than what they hear from me."
• "The kind of parent I am today will shape my children tomorrow."
• "It is easier for my children to learn difficult lessons if they see me demonstrate the answers."

Review the following list of positive parental traits. Identify where you are doing well and where you need to improve:

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TEACHING POSITIVE BEHAVIOR

By teaching your children how to handle difficult situations more effectively, you are improving their skills and increasing the chances that they will choose the right behavior when a difficult situation arises. The Detour Method and Problem-Solving Steps can be applied to almost any situation your children need to handle more effectively.

The Detour Method:

Problem-Solving Steps

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STRENGTHENING POSITIVE BEHAVIOR

A powerful way to improve your child's behavior is to purposely look for and strengthen it when it happens! The Pour-It-On-Technique can help you do this by pairing positive parental attention with your child's positive behavior. When this pairing regularly occurs, it will increase your child's desire to do the desired behavior. The more your child does the behavior, the more it becomes automatic and the more your child gets to experience the natural rewards of positive behavior. Here are the steps:

1. Identify the behavior you want to strengthen
2. Watch very carefully for that behavior to happen
3. Immediately follow that behavior with a specific, verbal reward whenever it occurs

Choose a behavior that you'd like to see more often. Then, give your child specific positive feedback whenever you observe that behavior, aiming for three to five "pour-it-on's" a day. Do this consistently and watch what happens.

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KEYS FOR EFFECTIVE DISCIPLINE

How to prevent negative behavior:

• Give commands in a firm, clear manner.
• Use soft physical touch and eye-contact to make sure you have your child's attention.
• Establish clear routines for daily tasks (such as homework, chores).
• Make your "playing around" voice different from your "let's get down to business" voice.
• Remind your children of your expectations when you see them getting out of hand.
• Regularly use the Pour-It-On Technique to strengthen positive behavior.

When your child behaves negatively:

• Offer a choice between correcting the behavior and choosing a negative consequence quickly following misbehavior.
• Intervene sooner rather than later when your child is misbehaving.
• Make sure you choose the right Time-Out spot. Three criteria for an effective Time-Out spot are:
  1. Boring
  2. Safe
  3. Easy to monitor
• Administer negative consequences in a firm, calm, and respectful manner.
• Pay attention to your own behavior when administering a negative consequence!
• Be consistent!

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