| |
 |
Back to Top |
 Tempering
Childhood Temper
Justin was an eight-year-old boy who had trouble
expressing his angry feelings. Quietly, that is.
A few times a week, Justin would throw a
tantrum, stomp off to his room, hit his sibling,
or say something mean to whoever was close
enough to hear. Interestingly, he never acted
like this at school. In fact, Justin’s teacher
was surprised when his mom inquired about his
school behavior. “He’s a model student,” the
teacher said with a smile. At home, however, it
was another story. Justin’s parents could never
tell what would make him react angrily. It could
be annoyance from a sibling, homework, or just
not getting his way. Spanking didn’t help, in
fact, nothing seemed to help very much. Justin’s
parents weren’t sure what to try next.
If your child has difficulty controlling his
temper, you may find yourself in a similar
position to Justin’s parents. You have tried all
the tricks in your book and still your child’s
temper continues to flare. You just want your
child to learn to be flexible when things don’t
happen exactly the way he or she wants.
The good news is that all is not lost and your
child is not destined to be a rage-aholic for
the next 70 years. With your help, your child
can learn to control his or her temper. However,
many children need a little extra coaching to
build their skills in flexibility and anger
control. Below are a few reasons why some kids
struggle with this issue along with steps you
can take to help your child get on the right
road.
Why Does This Happen?
A difficult temperament can magnify the built-in
challenges of childhood. A child who is
temperamentally irritable, overly-sensitive, and
slow to adapt to new situations is at risk for
developing inappropriate ways of expressing
frustration.
Does aggression pay off? You must think
carefully about what takes place before, during,
and after a tantrum. Ask yourself, “How does
this payoff for my child?” If a behavior has
been around for a while, chances are that there
is a payoff for your child in there somewhere.
What does your child think? Children who are
easily angered often misinterpret minor events,
figuratively turning a pebble into a boulder.
They are typically not skilled at being flexible
when something does not go their way. They get
stuck in a negative perspective and react with
negative words and actions.
What Can I Do?
Get closer. When kids behave poorly, the
parent-child relationship can be the first thing
to suffer. After all, who likes hanging around a
volcano? You have to counter this tendency by
reminding your child that you love him, as well
as by talking together about things that are
important to him, such as his interests, goals,
and activities. Spending regular, quality time
with your child will communicate your love and
improve your ability to talk together about
difficult situations. It is important to keep
your relationship strong even when the going
gets tough.
Do it right yourself. Make sure that you are
setting a healthy example for how to respond to
frustrating situations. As Paul said, “Follow my
example as I follow the example of Christ.”
Everything you tell your kids about anger
control applies to you too, and they know it.
When you are angry, remember that your children
are watching. And learning.
Teach your child to control his anger. Make a
list together of the things that make him angry
and explore ideas about the best way to handle
these situations. During a calm time or a family
time, read and talk together about how God wants
everyone in your family to handle their angry
feelings (e.g., Ephesians 4:26-27; James
1:19-20; Psalm 86:15; Proverbs 29:11). Come up
with a plan for handling frustrating situations,
using several of the following ideas:
• Asking God to help you stay calm
• Saying your feelings or ideas respectfully
• Ignoring the negative behavior
• Taking two deep breaths
• Respectfully asking the person to stop
• Respectfully asking the person to stop a
second time
• Counting to five
• Walking away
• Getting help from a parent
• Finding a “cool down” spot (such as a bedroom)
Choose a few of these ideas and make an “anger
control plan.” Practice the plan together,
role-playing situations that have made your
child angry in the past. Help your child to
practice saying his ideas and feelings in a
respectful way. Practice for 5-10 minutes every
couple of days. The more he practices, the
greater his ability to use his plan when he
needs it.
Make the most out of every negative situation.
Most negative anger situations are simply times
when your child’s anger control skills were not
strong enough, or your child decided not to use
them. Either way, the situation worked out
poorly for him, resulting in a Time-Out or
privilege loss. Later that day, during a calm
time, discuss the situation with your child,
helping him to identify flexible thoughts,
words, and actions he could have chosen.
Depending on the situation, flexible thoughts
might include, “That’s OK, I can do it later,”
“It’s no big deal,” or “The sooner I start my
homework/chore, the sooner I’m done.” Respectful
words might be as simple as, “OK mom.” A
respectful action might simply be doing what he
was asked to do. Have him repeat the flexible
thoughts, words, and actions that he could have
used. It might be helpful to write them down for
future reference. Use every negative anger
situation as a chance to practice the right
behavior for next time.
Reward flexibility. Watch very carefully for
your child to be flexible and respectful when a
situation does not go his way. Using the
Pour-It-On Technique, immediately acknowledge
his flexible behavior and point out exactly what
he did that helped the situation go well. Using
warm, appropriate physical touch, make sure he
knows what a great job he just did. Make him
glad he did it!
Negative consequences are a must. Give your
child a clear picture of the types of negative
consequences that will follow disrespectful
behavior. Remind him that being disrespectful
will never bring a positive result. When he
begins to get frustrated, suggest a flexible way
of handling the situation. If he has difficulty
with this, quickly remind him to use his anger
control plan. If he refuses, then you need to
bring in the negative consequences. Options that
are often effective include Time-Out and/or
privilege losses. Try to keep the privilege loss
limited to one day or less. Privilege losses can
include privileges such as electronic activities
(e.g., T.V., video games, computer, GameBoy, CD
player), preferred toys, riding his bike, early
bed, and playing with friends. Remember to
administer negative consequences in a
matter-of-fact and respectful way.
If you are concerned about your child’s angry or
aggressive behavior, don’t hesitate to meet with
your pediatrician or a child therapist for a
consultation. With continued encouragement,
practice, and the right positive and negative
consequences, you can help your child learn how
to handle everyday situations in a flexible and
respectful way. |
|
|
 |
Back to Top |
“You
are the picture that God has placed in your
children’s lives.” From the Keep the Kids, Lose
the Attitude Workshop
“Every child has a unique set of God-given
traits that lay waiting to be discovered and
nurtured.” From The Parent Survival Guide |
|
|
 |
Back to Top |
| Try
this on for interesting dinnertime conversation.
If you ever visit Mexico, you can find canned
caterpillars on the supermarket shelf for a
tasty lunchtime treat. In the rainforests of
Brazil, tarantula egg omelets are popular
entrees. If that doesn’t fill you up, you can
take a trip to the Orient and munch on fried
grasshoppers (with a side of rice). Yummy.
(Source: Oh Yuck! The Encyclopedia of Everything
Nasty) |
|
 |
Back to Top |
BULLYING (source www.apa.org)
• Bullying happens most frequently during sixth
to eighth grade. (JAMA, 2001)
• More than 88% of junior high and high school
students say they have witnessed bullying in
their schools. (JAMA, 2001)
• Approximately 30% of youth in the U.S. are
estimated to be involved in bullying either as a
target, a bully, or both. (JAMA, 2001)
|
|
|
 |
Back to Top |
Question: My 6-year-old daughter has trouble
talking to kids at school. How can I help?
Answer: While your daughter may never be
as outgoing as Oprah, she may just need a little
practice, encouragement, and confidence to
interact more effectively with other children.
You can help by picking a simple social skill,
such as starting a conversation, and practicing
it with your daughter. Teach her a set of simple
steps, such as deciding what she is going to say
(e.g., "Hi (other child’s name), how are you
doing?@), and saying it in a friendly way. Show
your daughter how to do these steps by
practicing them together. Take turns using these
steps with each other. Once she has them down,
stage some easy "dress rehearsals," such as when
familiar friends or relatives come to visit.
Have your daughter practice her steps in safe
and familiar situations and be ready with lots
of positive encouragement.
You can practice many different social skills
this way, including saying goodbye, asking
someone to play, joining an activity, suggesting
an idea, and giving a complement. Some kids are
more naturally outgoing while others are
naturally more quiet and reserved, so allow your
daughter to learn at her own pace. Most
importantly, be patient and encouraging. The
more positive practice she gets, the more she
will gradually improve at these important
skills. The more she improves at these skills,
the easier they will be to try in real-life
situations. The more she uses them in real-life
situations, the more her social confidence will
grow. |
|
 |
Back to Top |
BEDTIME BOOMERANG
There you are, snuggled up with your husband or
wife on the couch, watching your favorite movie.
The kids are in bed, so distractions aren’t
going to be a problem. Everything is perfect.
Then, from the darkness of the hallways, what do
you hear?
“Mom, dad, I’m not tired.”
“Can I have some water?”
“I have to go to the bathroom.”
“What are you watching?”
“Can I have a cookie?”
While nailing the door shut has crossed your
mind and you hear your spouse mutter something
about duct tape, you know this is not the way to
go. What can you do?
If Susie is getting out of bed to get your
attention, relax, this is normal. Take it as a
compliment. She wants your attention, that can’t
be all bad. But Susie needs to learn how to stay
in bed and sooth herself to sleep. You can use
your attention to help her master this normal
developmental challenge by teaching her that
there is only one way to get your attention at
night. By staying in bed.
Get an egg timer and take it up to her bedroom.
Tell her that if she stays in bed until the
timer dings, then you=ll come back in and spend
a few minutes with her. If she’s not tired, give
her something quiet to do in bed, such as play
with her stuffed animals, listen to quiet music,
or look at a book. Set the timer for about 15
seconds, and leave.
When it dings, go back in, give her a big hug,
and tell her what a great job she did at staying
in bed. Spend about a minute with her and then
set the timer again, this time for about 30
seconds. If she gets out of bed before the timer
dings, walk her immediately to her room, reset
the timer, and tell her that you can’t spend
time with her because she got out of bed. Then
encourage her to stay in bed this time, so you
can come and see her.
Keep this process up, gradually increasing the
time on timer. If you stay consistent with this
plan, Susie will learn that staying in bed gets
your attention while getting out of bed does
not. |
|
 |
Back to Top |
|
No Poll Available |
|
 |
Back to Top |
|
“Train a child in the way he should go, and when
he is old he will not turn from it.” Proverbs
22:6 |
| |
| |
|
|
PARENTING WORKSHOPS!
Have your parent-group or church
host a fun and practical workshop with Dr. Cartmell.
Biblically-based, humorous, and filled with hands-on
ideas, these workshops
will help you become the best parent that you can be.
Dr. Cartmell’s workshops include:
Redefining Discipline
Keep the Kids, Lose the Attitude
Keep the Siblings, Lose the Rivalry
Do you need
answers to your everyday parenting challenges?
Let these
resources from Dr. Cartmell give you the ideas you need:
The Parent
Survival Guide
Keep the
Siblings, Lose the Rivalry
Read book
excerpts and find helpful parenting tips at
www.dr.todd.net
Don’t miss Dr. Cartmell’s Discipline
Matters column in the current issue
of Christian Parenting Today!
If you enjoy Dr. Todd’s Family Coach,
forward it to your friends!
Their kids will send you a brownie!
|
