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01-13-2006 |
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Welcome to
The Family Coach. This e-newsletter is
designed to be a resource that will help
you build the healthy family that God
desires you to have. Following Biblical
principles, I’ll show you how you can
teach your children important lessons
and help them build healthy relational
habits. You might learn a few for
yourself, as well.
In this
first issue of 2006, we'll tackle the
ever present challenge of helping your
kids stay balanced with their electronic
activities, such as TV, video games, and
computer games. I'll give you guidelines
for understanding and handling the
difficult issues of dishonesty when it
pops up in your family. You'll be
fascinated by our research snapshot,
which illustrates how important family
interactions at mealtimes really are.
You'll also learn a few simple, yet
wonderful ways to use your words as a
powerful, secret weapon to improve your
kids' behavior. Enjoy a few memorable
quotes, the results of our Spanking
poll, and some gross facts that your
kids will love telling their friends.
My prayer is
that these e-newsletters will challenge
you and equip you to be the parent that
God desires you to be. God has
unbelievable plans for you, your
children, and your family, and he wants
those plans to become reality. Open
your heart and let God shape you into
the parent he created you to be.
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THE VIDEO GAME MAGNET
Phillip was a nine-year-old boy who loved
his GameCube. And his PlayStation 2. And his
Xbox. Did I mention his GameBoy? Oh yes,
let’s not forget his myriad of computer
games. And, of course, the old school
electronic activity: television.
In fact, Phillip loved playing his
electronic games so much, that if he could,
he would choose to do nothing else with his
free time. Mr. and Mrs. Douglas were
starting to get concerned about Phillip’s
preoccupation with electronic activities.
They also did not like Philip’s habit of
talking back or ignoring them when they
attempted to set time limits on his
electronic games. They knew that Phillip
needed a little balance in his life, and it
was up to them to put it there.
Why Does This Happen?
Electronic games are captivating. An
entire media industry is focused on one
thing: getting your child’s attention.
Through the use of multimedia advertising,
state-of-the-art graphics, booming sound
effects, fast-paced music, and exciting game
action, they are doing just that. With all
this technology, the fact that over 140
million Nintendo and Sony PlayStation
systems have been sold worldwide is no
surprise. Neither is it surprising that kids
find them hard to turn off.
A screen won’t reject you. Some kids
latch on to video games because they are
safer than person-to-person interaction.
Interacting with real people who have the
power to accept or reject you carries more
risk than interacting with Star Wars
characters that you control on a TV screen.
For kids who struggle with social
interaction, video and computer games can
become a form of sanctuary where they can
avoid the risks that come with real people.
What Can I Do?
Be purposeful. While computer and
video games can be healthy, fun, and
educational, they can also contain extremely
inappropriate material and easily soak up
too much of your child’s time. Use a family
friendly internet provider or an internet
filter to screen out inappropriate content.
View your kids’ video and computer games to
make sure you are comfortable with the
graphics, themes, and language they contain.
The manufacturers of these products do not
necessarily have your kids’ best interests
in mind. That is why you must.
Talk with your kids about the dangers.
While keeping the conversation tactful and
age-appropriate, talk with your kids about
the dangers that electronics can bring,
including bad language, violent graphics and
themes, pornography, predatory adults (in
chat rooms), and a reduction in quality
family interaction. During a family time,
talk together about what kind of electronic
activities are appropriate for your family.
Discuss how you can use these tools as
sources of fun and education while
safeguarding yourselves against the dangers
that lurk in these electronic waters. Read
and discuss Colossians 3:17 and Proverbs
3:5-6 as a biblical basis for pleasing and
honoring God in all that you do.
Encourage other activities. One way
to get the kids off the computer is to help
them find other enjoyable and rewarding
activities. Strongly encourage activities
that build skill, character, and
interpersonal relationships. Consider
sports, photography, scouts, church groups,
reading, summer camps, science clubs, chess
club, archery, martial arts, art classes,
music lessons, groups that care for animals,
and so on. All these activities can enrich
your children and provide them with
rewarding knowledge, experiences, and
friendships that will shape their lives in a
positive direction. Best of all, you don’t
have to plug them in.
Do fun things together. Families that
have the least problems with the electronic
invasion are the families that are the most
active and involved with their children.
Model an energetic approach to life and get
out and do things together. Whether you go
for walks, play board games, go bowling,
look at tropical fish, go to the zoo, play
catch, shoot baskets, or whatever your kids
enjoy doing, be a family that has fun
together.
Set appropriate time limits.
Electronic activities are like candy for
kids. What child wouldn’t overdose on
doughnuts and ice cream if you gave him half
a chance? In the same way, and without the
perspective and balance that come with age
and experience, many kids will spend hour
after hour on electronic activities if given
the chance. Just as you limit snacks, limit
the amount of time that your kids spend on
their electronic devices. Have a set amount
of time each day, and monitor it carefully.
Some days, such as school days, may have
little time for electronic activities. Start
your kids off with good habits right from
the start. Electronic activities are not an
unalienable right—they are an occasional
privilege.
Require respectful electronic behavior.
Three things should be required to use
electronic devices. Your child should: 1)
Start right, 2) Stay on right, and 3) Stop
right. Starting right means using the
electronic activities only when allowed to
do so. Staying on right means treating
others respectfully while using the
electronic activities (in other words,
talking respectfully, sharing, being
considerate of others). Stopping right means
responding quickly and talking respectfully
when asked to turn the electronic activity
off. If your kids are having difficulty with
any one of these, sit down together and
review each of these expectations. Let your
kids know that violations in any of these
areas will result in the loss of that
electronic activity.
Electronic activities are a part of life
for all of us. As we speak, I’m typing
this newsletter on a computer and you’re
reading it on one. Use these ideas to teach
your kids how to honor God with their
electronic choices and stay on His path for
their life. Staying on God’s path means
avoiding other paths that contain material
that God tells us is inappropriate and
hurtful. Let movies, video games, and
computer activities provide balanced,
wholesome fun for your family, while
actively protecting your kids from the
dangers that constantly lurk in the
electronic waters.
Adapted from
The Parent Survival Guide, by Todd
Cartmell |
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“What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot
hear what you say.” Ralph Waldo Emmerson
“You’ve got two choices: You can wait for
SuperNanny to teach your kids to be
respectful, or you can do it yourself. And
I’ve got good news for you: You can do it
better than SuperNanny.” From Dr. Todd's
soon-to-be-released book, Respectful
Kids: The Complete Guide to Bringing Out the
Best in Your Child. |
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Question: What should I do
about my 10-year-old child's lying?
Answer: There are many reasons why
children choose to be dishonest. The reasons
include observing various degrees of
dishonesty at home, the influence of peers,
wanting to avoid getting into trouble,
wanting to get something, and short-sighted
thinking. However, the good news is that
while all of us have lied before, most of us
have not turned out to be pathological
liars.
It is important to keep in mind that through
all of this, your child is gaining one
invaluable thing: experience. And experience
can be a great teacher if it teaches the
right lesson. Your response can help your
child to learn that being honest is the best
approach. For starters, use the most logical
negative consequence you can think of to
help your child realize in no uncertain
terms that lying did not pay off. For
example, I know a boy who stole one of his
friend’s “rare” Pokemon cards. When this was
discovered, he had to give it back in
person, apologize to his friend, buy his
friend a new pack of Pokemon cards, and he
lost the use of his own Pokemon cards for
some time.
Then, the most important work begins. Talk
together with your child about the
importance of honesty. Have your child think
of reasons why God tells us that honesty is
the best way and why lying always makes
things worse. Look together at Leviticus
19:11-13, Psalm 15, Proverbs 11:1, 16:11,
and Ephesians 4:25.
Then, turn your focus on the future. Take a
look at the situation that tempted your
child to lie and use it to help him prepare
for the next time he is tempted. Help him
identify other ways that he could have
handled that situation that would have
worked out much better. Contrast the results
of handling a situation with lying versus
with honesty, so your child can see for
himself that honesty actually does work out
better. Let him know that he can always come
to you when he is unsure about how to handle
a situation.
And of course, let him catch you being
honest when temptation knocks on your door. |
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Want to gross your kids out for fun? Unload
this nostril newsflash on your kids the next
time you’re eating a spaghetti dinner,
compliments of Oh Yuck! The Encyclopedia of
Everything Nasty:
-Mucus is made of 95% water, 3% salt, and 2%
Mucin. Mucin is a special kind of protein
used to make glue. No wonder it is so
sticky.
-You just wouldn’t be the same without your
mucus. Mucus keeps your stomach from eating
itself up and makes it possible to have
babies.
-Faster than the speed of mucus. Some
sneezes have been clocked at more than 100
miles an hour. Duck! |
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Words: Your Secret Weapon
What would you think if I told you that you
have an amazingly powerful behavioral tool,
more powerful than anything you could
imagine, but you have not been using it to
its fullest potential? Then get ready,
because I’m telling you that.
Your words have an incredible impact on what
your child thinks. The reason your words
have so much power (for good or bad) is that
in a child’s world, parents are a trusted
source of “truth.” If you say it, it must be
true. This is why it is so important that
you choose your words wisely. Proverbs
reminds us that, “Pleasant words are a
honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to
the bones” (Prov. 16:24).
Question: What would you like your child to
think when he or she makes a respectful
choice?
A. Nothing at all.
B. “That was the most stupid thing I’ve ever
done.”
C. “That was great. I’m glad I did it. I
should do that again!”
I hope that most of you picked C. If you
picked A or B, then I cannot help you any
further, and you should put this newsletter
down before you accidentally hurt yourself.
If you chose C, I’ve got great news for you.
Your words have the power to make it happen.
Positive words from a parent are something
that kids want to hear again and again. All
you need to do is consistently link these
words with a specific respectful behavior
that you want your children to learn, such
as listening the first time.
Here’s the trick. You need to be aware of
80-90% of the times your child does the
positive behavior. The reason is simple: You
can’t increase the behavior it if you don’t
consistently reinforce it, and you can’t
reinforce it if are not aware of it. And you
won’t be aware of it unless you are watching
carefully for it.
Once you see the respectful behavior you are
looking for, immediately give your child a
specific verbal reward (SVR). These are
three words that you should frame and place
on your fireplace mantle. Why? A SVR soaks
your child with warm parental attention
while giving her a highly detailed
description of the positive behavior that
just made the whole thing happen. In short,
you make Susie so glad that she listened the
first time that she thinks she just won the
lottery. Then, you let her know exactly what
she just did to create this wonderful
experience, so she’ll know exactly how to
make it happen again!
Here are some examples:
• “Johnny, you did a great job listening the
very first time I asked you! That was
awesome fast listening. Way to go!”
• “Susie, I just heard you say, ‘That’s OK,
I can do it later,’ when mom said you
couldn’t go outside right now. That’s a
great way of being respectful when you have
to wait for something. Give me five!”
• “Hey, I was just watching you guys play
your game and Brandon, I saw you let Michael
go first. Michael, I heard you tell Brandon
he did a good job. You’re both doing a great
job of playing in a friendly and respectful
way.”
Your goal is to pour on the specific
positive attention five times each day, for
each of your children. If you do, you will
literally be amazed at what will happen.
Susie will learn that mom and dad are paying
attention to her fast listening. She will
begin to realize that fast listening and
being respectful is fun (how could she
not?). If it is fun, she will do it more
often. If she does it more often, she will
soon begin to do it without thinking. When
she does it without thinking, it is becoming
a new habit. Just as I have seen hundreds of
other parents do, help your child change her
behavior by using your attention to teach
her one of life’s most important lessons:
Obeying God and treating others respectfully
is a lot of fun. |
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According to a report from the American
Psychological Association, a three-year
study by two Emory University professors
shows that families that regularly share
evening meals have children with higher
self-esteem and who interact better with
their peers. These children tend to know
more about their family history and show
higher resiliency in the face of adversity.
The researchers further determined that
families who openly discuss emotions
associated with negative events, such as the
death of a relative or pet, have children
with higher self-esteem and a greater sense
of control.
Marshall Duke, one of the researchers,
expressed concern that many families have
abandoned the family meal, and may be losing
the benefits that help nurture resilient
children. Duke concluded, “The time we spend
with the family at the dinner times should
be held sacred.” |
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Previous poll
results:
Question: How often have you spanked your
kids in the last six months?
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Love is patient, love is kind. It does not
envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It
is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is
not easily angered, it keeps no record of
wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but
rejoices with the truth. It always protects,
always trusts, always hopes, always
perseveres. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7) |
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NEWSFLASH!!!
Dr. Todd just signed a contract with
NavPress to release his newest book:
Respectful Kids: The Complete Guide to
Bringing Out the Best in Your Child.
Watch for it this summer and for excerpts in
upcoming newsletters.
You won’t want to miss it!
PARENTING
WORKSHOPS!
Have your parent-group
or church host a fun and practical workshop
with Dr. Cartmell.
Biblically-based, humorous, and filled with
hands-on ideas, these workshops
will help you become the best parent that
you can be.
Dr. Cartmell’s
workshops
include:
-
Respectful Kids: The Complete Guide to
Bringing Out the Best in Your Child.
-
Keep the Siblings, Lose the Rivalry
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Do you
need answers to your everyday parenting challenges?
Let
these resources from Dr. Cartmell give you the ideas
you need:
The
Parent Survival Guide
Keep the
Siblings, Lose the Rivalry
Read
book excerpts and find helpful parenting tips at
www.dr.todd.net
If you
have enjoyed any of Dr. Todd's books, please take a
minute and write an encouraging review of that book
on
amazon.com,
christianbooks.com,
or
barnesandnoble.com.
This will help introduce Dr. Todd's books and
resources to hundreds of other parents who are
seeking help with their children from a Christian
perspective. As always, Dr. Todd appreciates your
prayers and emails. Thanks!
If you enjoy Dr. Todd’s Family
Coach,
forward it to your friends!
Their
kids will behave better and you’ll get all the
credit!
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