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Thursday
05-11-2006 |
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Welcome to
The Family Coach. This e-newsletter is
designed to be a resource that will help
you build the healthy family that God
desires you to have. Following Biblical
principles, I’ll show you how you can
teach your children important lessons
and help them build healthy relational
habits. You might learn a few for
yourself, as well.
In this
issue, we’ll tackle the everyday issue
of sharing and I’ll show you how to
teach your kids that sharing with others
brings more fun instead of less. In our
coaching corner, you’ll discover a great
approach for discussing issues with
teenagers that will help you work
through difficult topics without turning
them into a shouting match. Also related
to teens, this issue’s research snapshot
will remind you that your teens pay more
attention to you than you may think. Our
Parenting Nugget will give you practical
ideas for how to grow closer to your
kids and nourish your family environment
through your physical touch. Enjoy a few
memorable quotes, and some of my boys’
favorite kid jokes.
My prayer is
that these e-newsletters will challenge
you and equip you to be the parent that
God desires you to be. God has
unbelievable plans for you, your
children, and your family, and he wants
those plans to become reality. Open
your heart and let God shape you into
the parent he created you to be.
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Case of Possessive Peggy
“It’s mine!”
shouted seven-year-old Peggy with a
vengeance, as she wrenched her well-worn
Barbie doll from the little hands of her
five-year-old sister, Rene. Mrs. Hill had
been noticing for some time that Peggy’s
sharing skills had been sorely lacking but
had been hoping that somehow they would kick
into gear. Unfortunately, the only thing
getting kicked was the ill-fated victim that
made the mistake of touching Peggy’s toys.
Why Does This Happen?
Everybody wants something to call her own.
In a child’s world where parents and
teachers dictate much of what they do every
day, the domain of their own “stuff” is one
place where a child can demonstrate some
power and control.
Naturally short-sighted thinking and
the self-centered perspective of childhood
are at the root of many sharing problems. To
a person whose span of life experience is
still in single digits, a lot is potentially
at stake when someone else grabs one of your
toys. From that perspective, it can be
easier just to hold on to the toy in the
first place.
What Can I Do?
Talk about sharing with your children.
Using your child’s Bible, read passages such
as Luke 3:11; Luke 6:31; and Romans 12:9-13.
You can discuss how God wants us to treat
others and what good things happen when we
follow God’s commands. Repeating these
discussions from time to time will remind
your kids of the benefits of sharing in your
family.
Make a sharing plan. Lora and I found
the following sharing plan to be helpful for
our children:
When someone asks to use something your
child is using, she can say one of the
following, in a friendly way:
1. “I’m using it right now, but you can use
it later.”
2. “Sure you can use it.” (Then find
something else to use.)
3. “Why don’t we play with it together?”
Practice this sharing plan together with
your kids, making your rehearsals fun and
brief and giving your kids lots of
encouraging positive feedback.
Don’t over share. While sharing is an
appropriate behavior in many family and
social situations, it can be helpful to
assure your child that she does not have to
share everything all the time. For instance,
your child may not feel comfortable letting
several visiting children play with a
special collector’s edition doll, or she may
not want a sibling to use a favorite toy if
he has damaged her toys in the past. Take a
few minutes to show your child how to handle
these situations by politely declining the
request to share, suggesting some other
activity to do, or asking you for help if
needed.
Require sharing frequently; show respect
always. In sharing situations, your
child might need your help to make the
mental adjustments needed for successful
sharing. Prompting her with a question
(“What do you think would be the best thing
to do now?” or “Peggy, how can you use your
sharing plan?”) can give your child the
nudge she needs to choose to share. Other
times, you may provide the structure of
using a timer to help with taking turns,
such as allowing each child 20 minutes to
play a computer game. The key is that your
child must handle the sharing situation
respectfully, if she wants to continue
engaging in a fun activity. Requiring
respectful behavior builds social skills,
positive communication skills, and teaches
your child that people are more important
than material possessions.
Be on the lookout for sharing. As you
know, sharing is not always easy—for anyone.
So, when you see your child make the effort
to handle a sharing situation in a
respectful way, take a second to let her
know that she did the right thing. A comment
such as, “Hey sweetie, that was great
sharing just now!” (along with a little
squeeze on the shoulder and a reaffirming
smile) can go along way in teaching her that
a little self-sacrifice can be a good thing.
Adapted from Dr. Cartmell’s book,
The Parent Survival Guide: Positive
Solutions to 41 Common Kid Problems.
(2001, Zondervan). Order it at your local
bookstore today!
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"The best way to give advice to your
children is to find out what they want and
advise them to do it." Harry S. Truman
"While at first we make our choices, as time
goes by our choices make us." John Maxwell |
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Question: What is the best way to discuss
guidelines with my teenager?
Answer: Teenagers like to have
control over their lives, so give them some!
Within reasonable limits, of course. The
best way to make this work is to treat the
issue (e.g., curfew, grades, dress) as
objectively as possible. Start your
conversation by asking God to give you all
wisdom and to help you find the best
solution together in a loving and respectful
way. Get things off to a good start by
genuinely listening to your teen's view on
the subject. Without inserting any of your
own views, make sure your teen feels that
you have taken plenty of time to listen and
to understand where he/she is coming from.
Then, share your views on the subject and
give reasons for them. It is important to
keep this part relatively brief, so that it
doesn’t sound like a lecture. Next, make a
list of all possible solutions you and your
teen can think of. This is where your
creativity comes in. As a rule of thumb, try
to come up with at least five different
solutions. See which ideas you can all agree
upon (or agree upon the most). Knowing ahead
of time which issues are non-negotiable will
be a big help. If you can’t decide on a
solution, you can always agree to come back
to it in a couple days, giving yourselves a
chance to think of additional solutions or
research the issue a bit more.
The real value in this approach is the
process that you are walking through with
your teen. Proverbs 14:8 reminds us that the
prudent give thought to their ways (see also
Proverbs 15:22).
You are engaging in mutual problem-solving
that values your teen’s views and teaches
him/her how to think through choices in a
respectful way that takes both Biblical and
parental guidance under consideration.
As you go though this process, it is helpful
to keep the bigger picture in mind. Ask
yourself what kind of decisions your teen is
making on the really big issues of life,
such as school, friends, drugs, sex, and
his/her relationship with God. If your teen
is making wise and responsible choices in
these important areas, then you are probably
safe allowing more freedom and personal
expression on the smaller issues. |
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Here are a few of my boys’ favorite jokes
that your kids should enjoy!
Sam: Would you punish me for something I
didn’t do?
Teacher: No, of course not.
Sam: Good, because I didn’t do my homework.
Q: How do you make a bandstand?
A: Take away their chairs.
Q: Where do you find Canada?
A: On a map.
Taken from Jokelopedia (2000), compiled by
Weitzman, Blank, and Green. Workman
Publishing, NY. |
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You’ve Got the
Touch
Jennifer has three children that she
absolutely adores. The problem is that they
adore aggravating each other just as much as
their mom adores them. Once Jennifer is done
getting Tommy to stop taking the head off
Maggie’s doll for the umpteenth time, and
fights through another daily homework battle
with Justin, her inner-mom feels like taking
two Advil and going to bed.
Maintaining a close relationship with your
children is an integral part of effective
biblical discipline. In Deuteronomy 6, Moses
tells the Israelite parents to teach God’s
commandments to their children. He tells
them to, “Talk about them when you sit at
home and when you walk along the road, when
you lie down and when you get up.” (Deut.
6:7) Moses paints a picture of a parent who
spends time with their children, time that
builds family relationships to create an
environment where important lessons can be
taught.
One simple, yet extremely effective way to
stay close to your kids, despite their
occasional lapses in the behavior
department, is through regular physical
touch. Warm, appropriate physical touch,
such as a squeeze on the hand, a hug, or a
touch on the shoulder, takes only a couple
of seconds to do. Yet it creates emotions
that resonate deep into your child’s heart.
It is powerful because it is purposeful. You
are intentionally reaching out to connect
with your child. Your kids know this, and
feel noticed and valued when you go out of
your way to connect with them through
moments of warm, loving touch.
While regular instances of warm, appropriate
physical touch build closeness into any
relationship, they are especially important
if you regularly feel frustrated with your
child’s behavior. It is easy to become so
focused on your child’s negative behavior
that you stop making physical touch
connections. While you need to allow
yourself the freedom to feel frustrated now
and then, don’t forget that it is your
child’s privileges that are in jeopardy, not
her relationship with you. A regular dose of
physical touch reminds your children that
while television privileges may come and go,
their relationship with you is never at
stake.
One way to
keep your relationship close with your kids
is to set a goal of connecting with each of
your children, through small doses of warm
physical touch, three to five times a day.
As you continue this practice, you will
slowly begin to feel your family
relationships become warmer and closer. My
heart turns to butter and tears well up
behind my eyes every time my 11- and
13-year-old sons ask to give me a kiss on
the cheek at bedtime, or grab my hand out of
the blue and say, “I love you, dad.” Our
relationship has had a regular dose of warm
physical touch and affirming words for many
years, and these moments remind me of its
wonderful impact on our relationship. In the
same way, you can connect with your children
through warm physical touch every day, and
build relationships that will outlast any
storm that life throws your way.
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A recent Child Trends public opinion poll
found that only 28 percent of adults think
that parents have a greater influence on
teens than the teens' friends or peer group.
However, a recent Child Trends brief,
Parent-Teen Relationships and Interactions:
Far More Positive Than Not, found that
most teens report thinking highly of their
parents, want to be like them, and enjoy
spending time with them. Bottom line: You
have more influence on your teen than you
think!
To read more, please visit
www.childtrends.org. |
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He who answers before listening that is his
folly and his shame. (Proverbs 18:13) |
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NEWSFLASH!!!
Dr. Todd’s newest book, Respectful Kids: The
Complete Guide to Bringing Out the Best in
Your Child (NavPress), is due for release in
September 2006. Advance order yours at your
local bookstore today. You won’t want to
miss it!
PARENTING
WORKSHOPS!
Have your parent-group
or church host a fun and practical workshop
with Dr. Cartmell.
Biblically-based, humorous, and filled with
loads of practical parenting strategies,
these workshops will help you become the
best parent that you can be.
Dr. Cartmell’s
workshops
include:
-
Respectful Kids: The Complete Guide to
Bringing Out the Best in Your Child.
-
Keep the Siblings, Lose the Rivalry
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Do you need
answers to your everyday parenting challenges?
Let these resources from Dr. Cartmell give you the
ideas you need:
The
Parent Survival Guide
Keep the
Siblings, Lose the Rivalry
Read
book excerpts and find helpful parenting tips at
www.dr.todd.net
If you
have enjoyed any of Dr. Todd's books, please take a
minute and write an encouraging review of that book
on
amazon.com,
christianbooks.com,
or
barnesandnoble.com.
This will help introduce Dr. Todd's books and
resources to hundreds of other parents who are
seeking help with their children from a Christian
perspective. As always, Dr. Todd appreciates your
prayers and emails. Thanks!
If you enjoy Dr. Todd’s Family
Coach, please
forward it to your friends!
You’ll
sleep better at night knowing that you didn’t
keep it all to yourself! |
