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Ian’s disrespectful behavior was motivated by his desire to gain a privilege.  He was about to have a close encounter with the start right, stay on right, and stop right rule.  

Sitting in my office one day, I told Ian that there are three things that he has to do if he wants to play a video game (and the same is true for any privilege your child wants to participate in): 

      1) Start right
      2) Stay on right
      3) Stop right   

“It is just like riding a bike,” I explained.  “If you want to ride a bike, you have to be able to get on your bike without falling off, stay on your bike without falling off, and stop it without crashing.  If you crash every time you ride, then you’ll have to stop riding or put the training wheels back on.”   

“In the same way, you have to start your video game the right way by asking permission to play or playing only when your mom has said it’s OK.  You have to stay on right, by treating people and property respectfully while playing the game.  And you have to stop right by using fast listening when you are asked to turn the game off.”

Ian’s biggest challenge was in following the third rule.  He wasn’t stopping right, which according to the respect-privilege connection, meant he would lose his video game privilege.  I wanted to help him fix that.

Ian, Angela (his mother), and I quickly laid out a three-step plan for Ian to follow when he was asked to turn off a video game:

1. Think: That’s OK, I can play later.  Right now I need to fast listen.
2. Say: “OK mom” or ask a question in a respectful way.
3. Do what mom said to do. 

It took about ten minutes to teach Ian this plan for using flexible thinking and fast listening, two of our key respect skills.  He and his mom spent the rest of the session practicing it together, which Ian found rather fun.  He soon showed us that he could do his plan in rehearsal without a flaw.  We agreed that Ian and his mother would practice this plan at home every day for one week.

Then we made a clear connection between Ian’s respectful behavior and his privileges.  If Ian chose to use this plan at home, he could continue to have the privilege of playing his video games.  Super.  However, if he argued when asked to turn off his video game, then his video game privilege would immediately be suspended for a day or two.  In order to regain his video game privilege, Ian would have to practice his plan several times to show his mom that he could do it.  If he was successful in rehearsals, then he would earn himself another chance to play his video games in real life.  And if Ian chose to throw a fit about losing his video game privilege,  he’d receive a negative consequence, such as being sent to time-out, and his opportunity to earn back his privilege would be delayed another day. 

As you can see, this plan involved no arguments or yelling on Angela’s part.  We simply showed Ian how fast listening and flexible thinking would make his fun go up and how disrespectful behavior would make it go down. 

Ian learned quickly that the “start right, stay on right, stop right” rule was no joke.  He lost his video game privilege within the first two days and had to earn it back through positive rehearsals.  Within two weeks, Angela proudly commented on the drastic improvement she had noticed in Ian’s video game behavior.  Ian had learned how to start right, stay on right, and stop right. 

Adapted from Dr. Cartmell’s latest book, Respectful Kids (NavPress 2006). Order it at your local bookstore today!
 

QUOTE(S) OF THE DAY

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"Men are what their mothers made them."   Ralph Waldo Emerson 

:"If your child thinks he’s a lump of dirt, he’ll act like one; but when you help him realize that he really is a gold nugget, he’ll begin to shine."  From Respectful Kids, by Todd Cartmell

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Question: What is the best way to do a family time?

Answer: Few things communicate the value you place on your children like consistent quality time together.  A formula that Lora and I have found helpful for our family times consists of two parts. 

First, do something fun together.  Whether playing a game, going bowling, watching a movie, or anything else your family enjoys, spend some time simply enjoying each other.  Second, have a short time of meaningful discussion.  In our family, we might read from the Bible, discuss a short devotional story (with follow-up questions), or take turns asking questions from a “Book of Questions”.  Other times, we talk about how to treat each other respectfully, good ideas for handling frustration, and how to show our love for each other.  We have taught and practiced problem-solving steps and simple communication skills as well.  This is also a time for anyone to bring up issues important to them, such as a problem at school or with a friend.  We like to wrap up with a short prayer time and presto--you have the makings for a great family time. 

If done on a regular basis, having fun together and talking about meaningful topics bonds your family closer together and creates an environment of healthy and open communication.  Below is a list of some of the books/resources that we have used in our family times.  I hope they help with yours.

-A Faith to Grow On by John MacArthur
-Character Builders by Group Publishing
-Frogs in Pharaoh's Bed by Mary Rose Pearson
-It's Not About Me by Max Lucado
-Keep the Siblings, Lose the Rivalry by Todd Cartmell

PARENTING LIGHT

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A little girl asked Jesus into her heart one Sunday to the delight of her parents.  The next day, she got mad at her little brother and hit him two or three times.  Her father saw this and said, "I thought Jesus was living in your heart."  She replied, "He is, but he's sleeping right now." 

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Rachael Reavis and Audrey Zakriski recently examined the differences in peer relationships between home-schooled and traditionally schooled children.  In summary, they found few differences in the quality of their peer relationships, with many signs of positive adjustment for home-schooled kids.  In fact, home-schooled children had better attitudes towards teachers and parents, and had better attitudes about themselves.  However, as some home-schooled children may be without the more extensive peer network more easily available to traditionally schooled children, their social experiences may be more dependent on the success of their best friendships and they may be more vulnerable to breakdowns in peer support.  Thus, it may be particularly important for parents to actively foster the friendships of their home-schooled children.

To read the complete article, please see the Brown University Child and Adolescent Behavior Letter, September 2005.

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NEWSFLASH!!!
Dr. Todd’s newest book, Respectful Kids: The Complete Guide to Bringing Out the Best in Your Child (NavPress), is due for release in September 2006.  Advance order yours at your local bookstore today.  You won’t want to miss it!

PARENTING WORKSHOPS!
Have your parent-group or church host a fun and practical workshop with Dr. Cartmell.

Biblically-based, humorous, and filled with loads of practical parenting strategies, these workshops will help you become the best parent that you can be.

Dr. Cartmell’s workshops include:

• Respectful Kids: The Complete Guide to Bringing Out the Best in Your Child.

• Keep the Siblings, Lose the Rivalry